I’m sitting in Starbucks beside someone who has the sex appeal of Dita Von Teese. Looking at this girl, you would never question whether or not she has had sex because she simply oozes sexiness.
What is it?
It’s called Vaginismus
Defined as the painful spasmodic contraction of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure, especially during sexual intercourse.
When did you realize you were going to go to war with your vagina?
When I was 18, I had my first boyfriend, I had never had sex before and I was scared to. I thought that was normal. It went on for way too long and I was just too afraid. It wasn’t happening and I thought ‘Shit, maybe there’s something wrong with me.’
Have you ever tried to have sex regardless of the pain?
I never even tried because I was scared to. My Ex sent me a link and asked if I had it, I thought ‘I’m just nervous, it’s nothing to do with that.’ When I went to the doctor and they tried to have a look down there, I couldn’t let them at all. It was too painful and terrified me.
Explain the pain.
It’s like whenever anything comes into contact with your vagina it seizes up, it’s an involuntary spasm, even if you’re relaxed, it just happens. Even when I want to have sex, I just think no, it’s not worth it, it’s going to be sore. A wall appears. It’s just like a block.
Can you describe it on a day to day basis?
Say if you were clenching; It’s like that all of the time. I’m doing it now. I have to remind myself to relax.
You read things about rape victims who just can’t relax. It’s a hidden trauma they’re experiencing because something horrible happened to them but this just appeared out of nowhere.
Have you tried to treat it?
I went to hypnotherapy to try and learn how to relax my muscles on command and that worked but I still couldn’t like pluck up the courage to do it because it’s just going to hurt and it does hurt and it gets in your head. It’s stings.
So that’s five years of knowing about it, how have things changed between the ages of 18 and 23?
The first boyfriend couldn’t accept it and I think he believed it wasn’t a real relationship if there was no sex. I was so young, and because he was my first boyfriend I believed it and thought every man is going to be like that and no one is going to be with me because I’m like this. I need to get fixed. Eventually after we did break up, I realized that wasn’t the case.
You’re starting college and everyone is talking about sex and they’re asking you if you have done it yet. And in your head that’s scary because you don’t want to say no. It took awhile to get to the place where I wasn’t ashamed of it. Some of my friends still don’t know which is why I want to write about it.
After breaking up with my first boyfriend, he said ‘That was really hard for me, the fact that I couldn’t have sex with you, I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.’
HARD FOR YOU.
He made it all about him, I just assumed that every man would be like that. I was psyching myself up to go on dates and then break up with them before anything sexy would happen which is kind of sad.
Then I met my second boyfriend and he knew what is was and said he didn’t care. The majority of people wouldn’t care.
THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE AREN’T ASSHOLES.
Maybe it was just him.
Everyone has a different definition of sex. But obviously the general definition for most people would be penetrative and involves a penis and a vagina.
Are gays and lesbians not having sex then?
It’s such a narrow definition of sex. You’re doing everything else and I mean, a lot of that stuff is more intimate than run of the mill sex.
It’s an alienating thing to say to people that this is sex, that isn’t sex because if you have a male or female couple and they’re doing whatever, are they not people? Are they not having sex?
It’s just wrong now that I look at it, I’m just so glad that I’m out of that relationship. I would actively lie about having sex and let others believe I was. I was too embarrassed to admit it to people.
Now if people ask me if I went home and slept with someone, I say yes, because I did go home and sleep with them and I did whatever and I did feel intimate. Realistically there are times where I’m just like I wish you’d just fuck me or whatever. It would only be a second and then I realize I’m not missing out on anything.
But having sex would be a hate crime on your genitals?
Yes it would.
The first boyfriend wouldn’t be intimate because we couldn’t go the full way and I could just see that he was pissed off, maybe he tried but he just couldn’t.
I have a different definition of sex. Everyone I’ve been with since hasn’t had an issue. It’s been so intimate and so much better for me.
We’re sitting in a Starbucks and I’m sure you’re not the only girl in here who has this issue…
10 per cent of women have it which is a huge number but don’t want to talk about it. I’m happy I have.